so i woke up this morning thinking _____ was in bed with me. . .but it was only a half eaten sonic burger
I wish life was like dora the explorer where dancing pigs appear out of nowhere to solve your problems for you
I got a lap dance until she said they wipe of the poles between each dance to clear the "std slime", i couldnt even masterbate at home it was a horrible military monday
It happened again. Now theres even more baby powder and its all over the place, I'm not cleaning that house.
If you're wondering about the pepper everywhere its for the ants and it was my doings. They hate pepper. You're welcome.
Do you think he stole that soccer trophy that he gave you for the "best sweater award" from his five year old son?
I had to show the prof your text saying that I could pick up your midterm for you. I covered the part of the screen saying you weren't there because you were about to have morning choke sex.
I knew it would get worse when I said I think your roommate is watching and he looked over at him and said ... So?
I want what they have, but in the meantime I have a whole bottle of rum to which I'm quite devoted
And think got sick again from going outside naked. Word to all females...don't try the naked trench coat thing.
Yup he definitely fell asleep. I'm trying to bone an old man
I can't believe this. 100 bucks says my Botox lasts longer than their marriage will.
She deliberately backed into the homewrecker's whoremobile and yelled ""FOR SPARTA!"
I'm watching Trainwreck with Jeff and realizing that I'm the John Cena in my relationship.
I just woke up hand cuffed to the bar and shirtless, so yeah I think I need you to come get me.
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