I drunkenly recorded an episode of Family Matters last night. I took a shot everytime Carl Winslow had a mustache.
And i generally try not to roofie people when I'm in a committed relationship.
Sorry I tried to blow your roommate in your room. I felt more at home there.
I am lonely and I want to touch your beard
You merely adopted the alcohol. I was born into it. Molded by it. I didn't see the hang over until I was a man and by then it was only blinding.
Is there a greeting card for "I can't keep being The Other Woman"?
I don't know if should be sitting on a toilet or kneeling in front of it
You had 10 drinks. On a first date.
I just masterbated then started bawling.
did i just see you in the movie theater carrying a margarita into Frozen?
All the 6 year olds are jealous of my alcohol
Also, can next Friday be Long Underwear Friday instead of Jockstrap Friday? Because I'm about to cough up a testicle.
I was drunk and on Craigslist.. The drunk-text offers people got must have been either horrifying or glorious
Are you alive? Cause this is my official "im actually alive" text.
I left the party 20 min ago..just thought i would tell you so you wouldnt think i fell in the lake again
Her hot older sister walked in on us, looked me up and down, then stared straight at her and said "I call sloppy seconds on this one" then left. I'm still debating on how I feel about that.
did he think i wouldnt notice the naked girl in the backseat
Stacy lit a fart and burn half of the couch down before we can put the Flames out. Bring your truck.
Randomize
