Apparently he doesn't remember leaving the bar
If I spent $100 at the bar and didn't get laid I wouldn't want to remember anything either
should I fuck that poor girl
no dude she won't be able to afford a fucking abortion
I know we had a good night last night because his turtle was half asleep chewing on the used condom.
When his Irish accent comes out my uterus hums. Or some productive organ down there, I'm not sure of the logistics
come find me. Outside the bar we were just in waving my syringe in the air
you know you have a brother who cares when he hands you a piece of pizza before you pass out from too many bong hits
she never specifically said NOT to fuck her boyfriend so technically we can still be best friends
She just tried to talk over a fart. The fart was way longer than the sentence she originally wanted to say so she just added gibberish to the end. Gross
I was taking a bath while he walked in, sat down on the toilet, and said "its like a baby, I can see it crowning."
my dad pointed to my full beer and said drink up we're leaving now.
can you adopt me?
Basically taped my dick down because it's too obvious in this costume...
Girl in my public speaking class just gave a speech on weaves, God I love community college
I'm sorry I never said I wasn't coming home last night. To my defense I did type and send a text, only I was too drunk to realize I sent it to the guy I was with instead of you.
Idk what was more embarassing, seeing her face when I finished, or seeing her roomates faces thru the door..
It's like an adderall Houdini. Right when you think you have a deal he disappears
Randomize
