i just got a Mexican deported. not sure how to feel.
I just tried to put my feet in my slippers and found cans of beer in them. Christmas in fucking july.
I googled Canada's legal age of consent. I have good news. It's 14. Justin Bieber here I come...
So I just googled the ten commandments... Were fucked.
Ok. Also I almost just threw up. Seriously. I was think to myself "really? Here? Now? At my work desk?" and then it went away.
I just found little boats floating in my bathtub....they are made out of white castle boxes, condoms, pickles, and corks. All the wine we bought is being used as the "ocean"....clearly we didn't drink any of the wine.....but I don't remember doing this.
ps if your frozen peas taste like crotch it's because some dude kicked me in the nuts while trying to do a keg stand and I needed an ice pack
I FOUND AN AUSTRALIAN THEY CALL VOMMING 'RAINBOW SNEEZING' I'M NEVER LETTING HIM LEAVE EVER
I don't see how I managed to fuck up so much shit in an hour and a half..
We're shaving superhero symbols into our pubes. I call dibs on Batman.
I just tried to pay for a coffee with a dollar and a necco wafer.
I think the only context in which I'd be comfortable being kidnapped is by a band of baby sloths
Drunk me really does appreciate that sober me made a list of movies to watch when drunk it saves so much time
You are talking to me during sexting hours. Be careful, innuendos are taken seriously
we cut you off when you started chasing with your slim fast shake
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