Are you missing anything? I found a wedding ring in my bed this morning.....
I'm currently imdbing Helena Bonham Carter to see if there are any pictures of her that don't scare the crap out of me.
Good luck with that.
so after he got his stomach pumped, he asked for a smoking room.
Just getting around to doing laundry. Jesus there's a lot of blood on my birthday dress.
He walked into the party with a case on one shoulder and a boom box on the other of course I fucked him
they esentially rejected my mermaid threesome offer:(
I don't care if he's straight, his cock will be in my mouth by midnight. Like a closeted Cinderella.
I think I collapsed a disk in my spine when I drunkenly lifted that fat girl on my shoulders to chicken fight at the pool.
He called me at two in the morning to tell me he was throwing the tiny Thor hammer at moving vehicles. Apparently he missed the guy on the motorcycle.
So it turns out that my mom and her dad used to hook up when they were our age
Never been so glad that I look so much like my dad that there's no question as to my paternity
When theres a zombie apocalypse, i will be the only fat survivor. I ate chef boyardi ravioli with part of a pen for a fork
Bitch guess who just got a fucking taser
Changed all my ex bf's names to "no" in my phone so the next time I try to drunk text one of them it'll basically be like Russian roulette
She was doing drunken zumba and screaming "FUCK YOU I HAVE MY OWN STYLE!" at the TV
don't take offense to this but at the strip club tonight I legit believed one girl was you. almost hopped on stage and freaked out at you. you're a beauty.
Randomize
