I seriously can't date anymore I forgot how to hide my crazy
feel weird hangin out with you now that i've eaten your sister out
No, i'm not gonna let you give me a footjob on the floor of the cheesecake factory. C'mon.
The tornado sirens were going off and everyone just ran to the liquor store. .
i wish it would rain vodka just once. i have not puked yet bring it on
Dear Beer Goggles, it's time to see the eye doctor. With love, your biggest fan.
and then she started to quack like a duck and u started throwing bread at her
I'm petty sure you said "hold on let me make my nipples hard, they look better"
I think he should just go away to a small penis island and never come back
Is it sad that I planned a a romantic trip to dunkin donuts for and with myself on Saturday, then added an equally romantic after midnight stroll through the half off candy sale? I find that worthy of adding a few cats to my collection agree?
Congrats on dating a convict, there's no fitbit badge for that one.
Just had someone from Hells Angels snort coke off my tits...so I'm pretty much done with life now. 💀
I came and sneezed at the same time. Words can't describe how awesome it was.
Jarrod's passed out on the chair with a cup of milk and I've been staring him down in an attempt to use telepathy to make him spill it. Attempts unsuccessful.
Last time I went to flagstaff I threw up in my beard. I would very much like to recreate that moment.
DO IT!
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