omg, he ripped it...he ripped my vagina...best. night. ever.
The cop didn't care that I was peeing on the wall of my dorm building... All he said was, "come on, it's 9am."
It feels like I shit a light bulb that shattered on the way out.
She makes me want to have breakfast margaritas every day
I admit it's going to be hard to top a limo orgy and Mcnuggets....but I have faith in you
we flagged you as soon as you tried to put the lime in the microwave to prove it was really a kiwi. again.
Not sure if jager bombs can cure tuberculosis, but its a theory im testing as we speak
Nah, just ran around, pinned random men to walls, bit their lips of and booked it.
I responded with "neat-o burrito" to his SEXT...he tried so hard and I just panicked.
"can you come pick me up from the ikea parking garage i think i slept here"
Fun fact. A penis can be used to catapult cheetos.
And on a positive note i found a list that i made in 3rd grade titled "what to do if you want a guy to like you"
Ur betting me $100 that I can't do ur sister?
He's got a british accent, a tounge ring, and he's wearing an eye patch... Of corse I'm fucking him
My boob job is like a master key that gets me in any door, any party and anyone’s pants! They’re magical!
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