If I'm having a dream where I'm having sex and I can actually feel it between my legs because I've had a lot of it recently, does that make me a whore?
I have a feeling this is a serious question. Problem solve, Jess.. I'm going to let you figure that one out on your own
Just found 50 pesos and a coke spoon in my dads old shit. Gotta love the 70s
i cleaned out my closet and found 7 beers from 2007. ive had 3 so far.
You're my spirit guide. This has to do with oatmeal cream pies.
Seriously, I was a high class hooker. I was snorting shit Rachel, white powder, lines formed with credit cards, the dudes house was beautiful. Magnum condom. Adorable puppy dog. Pretty sure at some point I was sleeping on a washing machine. Boxing Gloves.
Those were the highlights of my night.
Defrosting my uncrustable with my laptop...Hungover dinner
I wanted to make out with that blonde just so I could deck her boyfriend and make things interesting.
At least that would be something.
6 pack came off in the shower. Sharpie is not forever.
I'm not in bed, I'm driving and puking at the same time.... first for everything
Just remember, the Browns have more wins than Ronda Rousey this year.
Casey, if you want the continuing love of our mother, you're gonna need to stop drunk texting her from PCB.
If I make it through this whole bridesmaid process without anyone knowing that I actually hate everyone but the bride, including the groom, I deserve a complimentary bottle of vodka.
Got pulled over today for going 90 in a 40 zone with my leg out of the window. Still got out of the ticket. I'm getting way too good at this. Wanna trade bodies so we can see if it's my boobs or my charm?
He brought me a bottle of Jack, got me off 3 times, & then left. This is the best fakelationship ever!
Dry spell is over and now I’m drowning in a river of dick. The dam broke and now half the dicks in DC are trying get in my skirt
It’s a glorious dick miracle!
Randomize
