Facebook is asking me which Pokemon I'd be. Is there one whose only moves are gay sex and reading Adrienne Rich?
last time i saw her she was begging the broken jukebox to play lady gaga.
Just wanted to let you know that I always win at "whose ex is crazier" because of you.
Julian told me all the fish in his pond died and he didn't know when or how. I didn't have the heart to tell him he drunkenly peed in the pond on Saturday as everyone cheered him on.
Frozen waffles and wine. Loneliness-party of one
Don't park in the garage. I installed a stripper pole while drunk and it's kinda in the way
Use motel 8. I'll give you my credit card #. i'll pay for it cuz i care about your vagina.
Remember that pineapple I soaked in vodka last month? Just found it- nothing is growing on it? Think it's safe?
We're gonna have horrible, horrible babies.
Dude she broke four ribs, how does a 110 lb girl break four of my ribs during sex?! It hurts so bad but was so worth it
What the fuck could you be doing in that room to make her yell "Beginners Luck!" over and over again?
I can only send "I want your dick" texts to so many guys before I accidentally over-book myself. I need a day planner.
I can't name a single part of my body that isn't sore. Who says break up sex is bad sex?
My hair tie broke, stole my one-night stands daughters pink sparkly one. BEST hair-tie I have ever used...
he was just sitting there in his underwear... and his chewbacca mask...
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