Why do I feel like I used to feel when I almost got caught looking at porn when I get caught looking at facebook at work
So can we just skip dinner and I'll just pay you for a blowjob?
Don't tempt me, I need beer money.
We had literally Just finished having sex when he handed me a plan B and said he lied about wearing a condom.
All I want in this world right now are Doritoessssss
OK. You going to get home safe? Who are you with?
Doritoesssssss
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I found his backpack for the weekend. All it had was ping pong balls, mardi gras beads, and Tums.
It's official. 2011 is the year of sport fucking
Which is worse rug burn on your nipples or laying there after wondering how long you have to cuddle before you can sneak away?
I just had a flash of me drinking straight vodka out of a condom...
Crap I still need to get you a wedding gift. I'm just gonna give you a bag full of cash, lube, and condoms. And I'll use furry handcuffs instead of ribbon to tie the gift bag handles together.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Okay I know I said I was going to quit drinking for a while but apparently pumpkin pie flavored vodka is a thing and I will not rest until I have some.
its not that I hate him, it's just that I wish his penis was attached to someone i like more
I looked so sad that Jessica gave me a bar of soap. So that's where I'm at.
THAT HOSPITAL MADE ME REALIZE THAT I'M BISEXUAL
I just want to nap all the time and eat Chinese food.
maybe you met your husband and you just don't know it yet
and other hilarious jokes you can tell yourself
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