the ***** family is living proof that there are no more lifeguards in the humen gene pool
There is something about listening to Patsy Cline while pooping that makes the experience so much better.
Just woke up. I have a "Detective Jacob Arnold's" business card in my pocket.
you asked a group of latinas stood by the bar to hold a minutes silence for ugly betty getting cancelled. that drunk.
Found a bar with a washer and dryer and they serve food. I never have to leave
Shit. Come in my room. Bring a trashcan and an icepack
I found out during it when he said "my girlfriend never does this" so he's all to blame, I had no idea until half way through.
He just texted me asking if I remember pinching his eyelid shut with my eyelash curler.
Okay. So I've done lines off a bible. But that's just for the sake of being cliché.
He wants to buy us a microwave. Clearly the man is going to fix my life.
All his ex-girlfriends are delicate flowers, tho. And I'm like a trash compactor.
I wouldn't worry about it. You know what they say, THICK THIGHS MAKE THE DICK RISE.
Whatever. I have his dick. Haha how many girls can say they have a dildo replica of a guy they were seeing
I think my liver has finally had enough and is going all Ashley-Judd-in-a-Lifetime-movie on me.
I'd invite you over to drink but then I wouldn't be drinking by myself.
Apparently I told the mayor I want to be a trophy wife
Randomize
