I feel like if I were on Intervention, I would have to be a season finale.
I was to drunk to drive all the way up there, so we just had rough phone sex instead
we're on our way back. she tried to pants the waiter again.
My google searches from last night: tetanus shot rabbit bite, Bacardi gluten free
You are literally throwing a tangerine right now. Beer pong is not played this way
Just fucking put out. It'll be a good lay, promise. Stop being a prude. Damn it. A boy is trying to put his penis in you. APPRECIATE IT.
Just once I'd like to throw a party where I don't have to clean up someone else's blood the next morning.
We never did figure out who the stuff on the wall came from, did we?
I've slipped into the part of my life where I am not having sex to get Phils tickets from this chick. I need to seriously rethink my life decisions
well he somehow got his hand stuck in some bike spokes trying to reach for a blunt he dropped and that's NOT the reason he's in the hospital...?
Literally too hungover to clean. I'll get the frosting off the table tomorrow, ok?
I tried to order champagne at IHOP last night
Pretty sure by 1p, she had fucked all of my bodily fluids out of me. I'm now trying to replace them with bourbon so 2016 is turning out pretty good.
Self care is breaking into nasa and launching yourself directly into the fucking void
Woke up this morning with a plate of ravioli in my bed. Who says being single can't be fun?
I couldn't be more proud to be a cougar. Just wondering how these twenty somethings learned how to fuck so well? Must be porn.
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