M and I are hungry and we are making your pizza in the fridge. But you're having sex and we're not so we dont feel bad.
I can't sleep so instead I'm thinking of all the things I would love to do to you right now
That's weird, I usually just count sheep
Okay call me later ill be watching lifetime and scrubbing throw up off my feet
if you don't go out with us, what are you gonna do? you're gonna go home and watch biodome and masturbate to texts from your east coast boyfriend and see the facebook pictures from the party when you wake up.
#1 benefit of having an equality sticker on my car: some girl flashed me while i was driving home
I'm pretty sure I had my drunk fortune told by a gay Miss Cleo last night. At least it's advice sober me can agree with.
dude, my hangover is telling me there was tequila involved
I kept having to give myself encouraging advice like, "you know how a path works"
AND I HAVE A NICE COCK! A STRIPPER TOLD ME SO IT MUST BE TRUE!
of fours songebofy did dknt stop believing
how legible are my texts
Spoiler alert: my plans for Halloween are going to make our dealer's birthday look like a bunch of mormon ladies having a scrapbooking circle
Can't. Way too high. Forgot how to operate doors. Stuck outside.Come get me.
Will u make me a "6 month anniversary of being single" cake??? I wanna celebrate
You can't say that. Only if you have peed on the side of the highway in daylight while signing Christmas songs can you say that.
Not having a reliable dick in is getting expensive. I’ve had to replace 3 vibrators since Mike and I split up
Randomize
