guy picked up a cops taser, thing shot him in the neck, he went down and pissed himself, cop started laughing and hasnt called an ambulance.
I decided it would be a good time to smoke on one of my deliveries but then I got the munchies and ate a piece of the pizza I was freaking out so I told him it was our new pacman pizza
First order of business is dropping my 9 am gym class. I'm sweating pure vodka.
Just opened a beer with eyelash curlers... miss you.
I had to download the flashlight app so I could finish taking a dump when the power went out.
This hot topless Jamaican just ran down the st with me on his back and He was screaming "I be stealing yo white ladies."
I don't know if i should be jealous or worried... or question where you are.
There is a dude in a thong with a Nerf axe having battles in the street. Welcome to Portland
Trying to figure out the logistics of putting my laptop speakers on this plate with the last slice of pizza. Too drunk to move the plate. Not an option.
You took off all your clothes to try on her fur coat and then punched me when I said you couldn't wear it to bed.
I've had more sex since the twins moved in than I'd had in the previous four years. They are the best wingman ever.
I sent him a tex saying, "I thought my intentions were clear" drunk me has some balls.
We'll just play naked Twister, the rest will take care of itself
wow wtf man i was the friend bailing you out of jail with 500 cash and you didnt have the common courtesy of waking me up for class when i passed out drunk and naked in the bath tub
You know you've hit a new slutty low when you're simultaneously sexting and having a tea party with a 4 year old
True college students do jello shots in the library
Randomize
