Our Neighbors are trying to steal our ducks!
You drunk yet?
Nope. Give me two hours then delete my texts before you read them.
Cant make any promises.
i probably shouldve stopped when i uncurled the curly straw in my cocktail because it was slowing me down
God that barista is texting me bout his life like i care i mean dude just hook me up with free coffee thats why i gave you my number
I'm not sure what happened. But I must have won because I obviously stole two full pitchers of beer from the bar and taped a note on them saying "your welcome"
I just helped a group of highschool stoners find a safe place to smoke I feel like a responsible rolemodel
Afraid I'm about to get arrested. Complicated situation but not a joke. If I do not text again that all is clear within 90 minutes kindly begin bail process. I have the cash to repay as soon as I get home. Details later.
Is it true if I say your name three times, you'll appear and whore everything up?
You're alright. You just passed out while we were having sex. Then I'm pretty sure you peed. So I went home.
You are like the only girl I know who tells their booty call to go find another girl just cause you want more sleep.
She dresses like Bruce Banner and fucks like the Hulk. She is all of my lesbian fantasies come true.
See if shell let you call her dr banner in bed
Went up to some dude that hit on Laura and told him he has a voice like a grandma. Apparently didnt have muscles or kindness like grandma so can you pick me up at the ER please?
Went to a club yesterday was dirty dancing with this guy, reached back to move my hair and punched him in the face.
ANTI-GAME
I am so proud to call you my friend
You were pretty conviced that my dog was a spanish child and kept trying to read him the news from your iphone app
In case you're wondering... Yes walmart will judge you for buying vodka and pickles at 645am.
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