Bike broken, reschedule party till thursday:(
This kristen chick is fuckin nuts. She's pyscho. She's a trainwreck. She carries baggage. She's... Perfect.
Would it be inappropriate to do lines in front of the cable guy?
Just had a flashback of you announcing "your nipples aren't that big for the size of your boobs, I've seen them"
Where is a good place to buy a New Year's outfit that acknowledges I don't have tits but screams I suck dick like a champ?
you are going to have to live with the consequences, i'm going to fuck your sister
I got tossed from adult league soccer for telling a 55 year old I'd break his hip. I'm a productive member of society
You told me you had two boobs that want to be naked for me. I'm just following up on your request.
Dude you chased a girl around the yard and then fell over the curb. Face first. You got up on your own tho so you reached champion status
I'm just saying; the box truck will cost less then dorms or rent, and we can always crash where the party is.
Your rough animalistic sex sounds are disrupting my cocktail hour
I think I swiped left on my soulmate
I was at a hookups house and peed in his sink so I wouldn't wake up his mom... drunk me is on a different level
I just got a rock from a customer. Weirdest. Tip. Ever.
Did you finish that presentation yet?
No but don’t worry about it. I do my best work in the middle of the night. I’m like a hamster.
Randomize
