I thought that since they were twins... they would be equally as good in bed
Fell off bed. Face first. 10 stitches. huge scar on forehead. totally going to start telling ppl my parents died fighting Voldemort.
Just a heads up. Everytime I get arrested in Maine I claim I lost my ID and use your name.
Some dude gave me a questioning look as I came out of the women's toilet. I just responded 'blowjob' and he understood, then shook my hand.
I just tipped the cab driver with pistachio nuts. And he loved it.
we're like Indians of the 21st century. trading not for food and survival but personal gain and by trouble you mean getting daytime drunk and going to the roller ring then yes.
i figured out i could get from the downstairs bar to the upstairs bar AND grab pizza by going through the kitchen. it was the greatest discovery of my life besides the flabongo.
Throwing up in the car while my mom drives, sister holds the bag & my dad holds my hair. This is how my family bonds.
He is sitting on the foor in the soup aisle saying "to each their own soup"
Have you ever just like not slept in so long that everything looks like a lava lamp?
Why I hate online dating: not even one day in and a 57 year old asks me to call him "Daddy."
If I don't quit picking up guys when I'm drunk, I'm going to need a vagina transplant.
My Uber driver last night was driving a taxi and tried to charge me fare.
You didn't get in your Uber because your ex was driving, that was a legitimate taxi.
At this point, I would not mind getting hit by a truck. It would mean I could get this over with quicker.
It was like Strip poker and blow, but with Yu-Gi-Oh cards
Randomize
