masturbating is 5million times harder to finish knowing grandma is in the guestroom downstairs. just so you know.
I can't wait til my little brother reaches the point where puking doesn't mean we stop drinking
You just kept mumbling, "Shit shit shit, the muffin man owes me money." Repeatedly.
he opened the microwave and beer cans poured out
Weekday college schedule so far: get high as tits. Watch Family Guy marathons. Repeat.
since you saved your number in my phone as "the hot chick you met last Friday" I don't know who you are either
You'd think, but when you nail one sorority sister, you might as well have nailed them all.
No, seriously, I've slept with 3 guys this month.
It's ok, February is a short month
I'm imagining a seal in an ugly shirt hahahahaha Percocet
Your vase full of piss was still at his house and he still doesn't know.
He saved you from those guys at the club, took you home, and made you breakfast. If this isn't your come to Jesus moment IDK what is.
I just want to trick people into going on dates with me so they can bring back to their houses and let me use their wifi.
Gays age differently than straights. 29 is like 45 in gay years. Next year I'll be in adult diapers and applying for medicaid.
He made a deal with his real estate agent called fucking in 50 properties for sale
He just compared fucking my vagina to a snow flake falling on his forehead: gentle.... I'm not sure if that's a compliment or not.
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