I'm at a work party and I don't know how to drink socially. You know, like slow?
You tried to call the hospital and left a voicemail asking if you could be put on the liver transplant list as a "pre-caution"
the way i see it him paying 500 bucks for my fake abortion is karma's way of punishing him for cheating on his wife
I never thought to pass out in a hotel lobby rather then paying for a hotel room until you taught me that's acceptable at the Hilton
Hi Jessica this is Jessica and I am texting you and were taking lime shots and it's fantastic and I broke your elbow and I love you xo
also found a pic of my head in the microwave from the other night.. hmm
it's like if youve been living with the grinch for 15 yrs and then santa shows up with a big gift begging to fuck the christmas spirit back into you. no one can say no to santa.
I am alternating between eating dry cheerios and mint chocolate chip ice cream with a fork. Please love me because no one else will
Literally had to stick my hands in my pants and hold my butt cheeks together while driving
idk how I feel so profoundly understood by someone whose latest tweet is "labia majora's mask." but I do.
I've had 5 hours of sleep and I still smell like sex with the Colonel. I don't appreciate spontaneity.
He snorted adderall on my table. I have a feeling he's not trying to buy me flowers
Single lady's Saturday night: eat doritos, masturbate, eat more doritos. Do shot of Jager. Repeat until desired result is achieved.
I am 5' 11" of pure, uncut Fuck Off right now.
My co-worker accidentally texted me regarding the threesome him and other one are planning.
Randomize
