she came over and started getting naked and said its not like i came over to just hang out
youve hit the jackpot
I have decided to cut my hair. This is based solely on the fact there is too much of it to clean vomit out every Sunday afternoon.
Thank God. You really dodged a small penis there.
You got off, kissed my dick and whispered "stay hard" to it, puked and then got right back on top of me like nothing happened...
You were eating microwaved pad thai out of a solo cup with a pair of scissors....
Nothing like all your friends getting engaged to remind you how much fun sleeping around is.
I'm sorry I dragged a dildo (on a leash) into your room last night.
Its great. Every time she starts barking i know ive got approximately 37 seconds to hide my gf in the closet and throw some clothes on
I received a sext from my girlfriend, and a deal for free chips and guacamole at chipotle at the same time. I have tasted heaven, and it is beautiful.
You know you can't live off of vodka and pizza rolls forever
I'VE ALREADY MADE MY CHOICE
Yep if he's taking selfies he's probably on drugs again.
Judging by the ckaw marks on my back i'm gonna go out on a limb and say that blonde chick was a werewolf. A sexy, kinky werewolf.
Is it bad when I wake up sore & don't know if my injuries are from sex or the mechanical bull at the bar?
I think my liver just tried to kill me, we need to slow down
I was so high I forgot how to swallow food, and I just kept thinking "thank god its just mashed potatoes, they'll go down eventually"
Randomize
