Dude. Muppets take manhattan on netflix instant. Pass my midterm or relive my childhood? Tough decision.
i was like hansel and gretel. i puked a trail from mcdonalds to our place so i could find my way back in the morning
Apparently, I woke him up at 4AM, and yelled "you're mad because we don't have sex," while grabbing his dick. Then immediately fell back asleep, dick in hand.
I just bared my soul to you and you fell asleep. Or you're fucking your boyfriend. Either way, not cool. fuck.
Why would I send you a picture of it when I could just steal the gnome and put it in your bed with you? Admit it, he looks just like gnomeo!
Fuck. I have to get my shit together by lunch. Mission impossible.
Your "dubstep at ceilis" resulted in a random naked guy busting into my room and peeing all over my bathroom
ARTHUR IS ON FUCKING NETFLIX THIS IS NOT A DRILL.
His pick-up lines are quotes from Doctor Who. Of course I fucked him.
HE CHOSE A RESTAURANT AND MADE A FUCKING RESERVATION. I AM SHOOK
Sorry 4 always trying to rope you into my sexual exploits
We haven't had hot water in our dorm all weekend. Do you know if there is any other way to wash off shame?
I'm "drunk text both siblings" drunk.
Funniest thing happened to Chloe! She talked the bf into a mmf threesome, and he loudly and enthusiastically discovered he was gay during it. Whole dorm literally heard it happen.Well funny for me. Chloe not so much.
So I figured it out. There's two types of shitters. Moaners and grunters. And on occasion there's a third. It's the ill fabled grunt moaner.
Randomize
