Holy cold harsh reality of sobriety batman
as we waited for a manager to come open the door that we broke while having sex on the wall, we decided to go round two in the hallway before he came back.. god i love hotels.
the whole story woulnd't be so depressing if i had made out with ANYONE but the piano player.
Just found an "inspected with pride" sticker on or around my vagina
Just explain how I got from the bar to a house I've never been in, waking up to a cop in uniform ripping a bong
My inner buddhist recalls, "You receive the d when you aren't looking for it, only when the d wants you." True story.
We are keeping it ultra classy drinking 40s and playing croquet with 90s rap blasting in the back ground
She seriously left me for a guy that likes his own statuses on facebook.....
Ever the responsible adult, I just realized that today is the Obamacare deadline, but I'm too high to handle insurance now.
it wasn't a total waste of time; I mean how often do you get to play scotch pong?
.....fair enough
so you ordered business cards online last night with a picture of your dick on them. you need to hide that new credit card when you drink
I ordered more beers for everyone but had to finish them all. I promptly went outside and projectile vomited in the street. Three times.
You may have gone on a date, but I ate chicken nuggets shaped like dinosaurs for dinner tonight. I think we both know who the real winner is here.
That's a beautiful sentiment.
yo dude not sure how this happened but im drunk at your house eating burritos with your mom and sister. hope you're having fun in new zealand
WTF ARE YOU DOING IT'S FUCKING VEGAN COFFEE IT'S MADE WITH NUT MILK YOU'RE NOT A FUCKING SQUIRREL.
Randomize
