Jesus knows you're telling a lie.
Jesus stopped reading my text messages when I started drunk texting boys to hookup
Can you call him, he said something about going to the balcony to pee and now hes texting me saying hes lost
And it was confirmed to me that I did in fact cut my girlfriend out of her dress with my sword.
Ihop lady gave me free pancakes for being sober this time
Just had a flashback to Friday. Definitely had my hands in someone's bra. Definitely wasn't mine.
The three yr old girl I nanny grabbed a pole just now and is chanting "this is my house"
Sounds like you at that dive bar last weekend
Orientation leader success, day 1: incoming freshman just ate out his first sorority girl. I gave him a 7/10.
My friend asked me if I got home okay and I replied "Glad teat. Goodnight." Usually I can translate drunk me, but I'm even lost on that one.
Are you done yet? I've eaten three corndogs so I'm ready 2 party.
I'm having a hard time eating my sandwich knowing how many different buttholes my hands were in last night.
He lives in a tent in my ex'd backyard. Why the fuck would you want any of that dirty dick?
She's nice. But even when I am with her I am thinking of her mom, literally the hottest woman on earth.
I'm not gonna be naked if your not here. Thats like a waste of nakedness
I had a date last night. His dog threw up in his bed while we were having sex in it.
It's like the perfect sandwich, once you find it you want to ensure your future access to it.
Randomize
