if you don't open the door right now liz is going to get pregnant
I just got an email from a bridal website with the subject "Countdown to your Wedding Day"... is 11AM too early to drink the rest of the wine we have?
I need to stop fucking people before I get to know them
Judging by the crutches in the living room I take it you two are fine and we aren't going out tonight?
what's an appropriate "I'm fucking your grandson but I'm trying to hide it" outfit?
And then I learned that we are dating when I said it's out of line to bring fuck buddies home to meet the parents. And then I was single.
Be careful. Don't drive if your body turns into a caterpillar again.
We didn't talk. I watched you drop an egg on the floor. And watched you praise your haunted broom.
My drunken abilities have only improved since college....I can navigate the streets of chicago like no ones business, do push-ups to hail a taxi and instantly become an mma fighter after 3 shots of hennessy
Waking up with a sore back because you put the team on it for jager pong all night
Halfway through missionary I realized I was partially laying on his sleeping dog and idk that just kinda ruined it for me sooo
Well we can add this to the list of 'where the hell did that bruise come from?'
Just walked out of the train bathroom after having sex and got a round of applause from the passengers. Definitely the best part of the trip.
only you would understand that I was talking from the perspective of my boobs
How many gummy vitamins can I eat before I die
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