I feel like my sweat is 40 proof right now
Found a left over fake Olympic medal from our party last weekend. Awarded it to a random girl in the bar last night. Its the only thing she was wearing this morning when she woke up at my place.
i woke up with toilet paper straight tucked up in my underwear wearing a pizza sauce mustach. I dont think i got laid last night.
Puked up what appears to be battery acid next to the treadmill. Everyone noticed.
pretty sure that drunk girl we saw climbing the stairs is now DJing this club....
currently taking a solo cab to the strip club at 1 in the morning. this is healthy.
You're alright. You just passed out while we were having sex. Then I'm pretty sure you peed. So I went home.
The entire state will know me by my boobs.
He literally wrote out a schedule. On it, there's a taco break, and a spot where I start crying.
I tried to light my cup as a bong. I'm done drinking
The taste of regret at 8am, yup that taste is Jack Daniel's
you do realize the next step is naked mud wrestling, right?
I think I may have fully transcended this spectrum of life. I can see beams of light man. Down to the photons
What
The only downside is I can't stop skipping
In what world does 'I'm awake' at 2:30 in the morning on a wednesday translate to 'let's fuck' in the span of one text? Where has the romance gone?
Please wake up and help me figure out how I woke up on the floor with my head under the couch
Randomize
