and then he said "my sister has the same underwear!" please come get me.
I had to sleep with my math professor to pass algebra. Apparently my blowjobs are only C+ quality
Thats why you always identify the subtext of a blowjob before you accept it.
Cancel that soberness update. I just almost fell down in the security line
there COULD be a gas leak in our house... proceeding to smoke with extreme caution...
The only thing I remember is vomiting and then feeding my dog a Mcdonalds cheeseburger and telling him yolo
I feel like I have to sign a death waver before I have sex with him...
The picture that pops up when I call her phone is a picture of my nipple. Just so you're forewarned.
Captain Morgan didnt let me down when i stand up it feels like the world is trying to hand me rainbows.
I just wish I had a snapshot of his attempted front flip off the bar. There are some things that are worth getting a life ban for, and the moment of impact with his foot and that lady's face was one of those things.
I think i'm the first person to get kicked out of a club while completely sober. Come outside please!!
well true... there's not a real discreet way to masturbate in public
So a bottle of lube exploded all over my softball bag and Nike shirt.
What's a professional way to say get your shit in gear?
It’s so white trash that I almost have to have it.
Randomize
