Have you ever seen a 300 pound pregnant lady's boob fall out of her shirt cuz she's not wearing a bra? I have.
so her cute freckles turned out to be blackheads
I may or may not have just visibly given him head in front of three young children and their mom. They all looked mortified.
I think we should make a list of challenges so that when stuff like that happens, we can check it off. Like a scavenger hunt for hoes.
bitch please you did NOT just unlike my status..
I'd just like to give a shout out to jesus and plan b for making this day possible.
Sorry for walking in on you guys last night. FYI I have a bruise on my forehead from having the door slammed in my face. I deserved it.
I can't believe i facilitated a beer for sweater vest deal last night...
Why were you having sex on top of my left over pizza in the kitchen?
Yeah you insisted everyone watch Space Jam at 2 in the morning then you cried the whole way through it. You were the very worst kind of drunk.
i told her i loved her afterwards and she said "i know," kissed me, and got up to start making breakfast.
dude, she han solo'd you. keep her.
You have talents. You got me laid two weekends in a row in two different cities.
The guys who program Autocorrect have never seen a vagina in person
You can trust me. I'm unemployed and not wearing pants.
I used the phrase "love child of quasimodo and cyclops " in a sentence today.
Get your dick back in here. On Saturdays, you're not allowed to leave my bed unless it's to make me bacon or coffee.
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