I am so stoned and my professor is handing out candy. I love Halloween.
Theres a dude at this concert at the urinal double fisting beers, taking drinks from both while simultaneously pissing euerywhere. He is my hero
i asked if you wanted help changing your sheets after you threw up in bed. you politely declined. i take no responsibility after that.
Using the salt from a pretzel bag for tequila shots. Come over.
Got in a bar fight defending Prince. Thought you ought to know. He gets his dick sucked cooking eggs for breakfast.
You told my mom you were going to "Raw Dawg some randoms." That Drunk.
Someone's having a good night if they're getting gummi bears and Astroglide.
I just heard my parents fuck. What. The. Fuck. My rooms right under theirs.. My dad barely even lasted a minute. Im almost ashamed..
styled my pubes into a mustache as a surprise. Thought you should know
All my interactions with my brother are drug deals at this point
you know that australian accents are like the bat signal to my vagina
Yes. He better. Or I will shave a penis into his beard while he sleeps.
I someohow managed to lose my butt plug in tne midst of moving to B.C. and I am not a happy camper.
Imma go take shower so I can cleanly change into my drinking underwear.
Is it too forward if I ask him to bring a condom when he comes over to work on our project?
Randomize
