my fingers and penis are no longer on speaking terms. My penis is too jealous of where my fingers get to go.
I will give you a bj if you get me food. NOT A JOKE. FREE BJ.
Yo dude either Brian has herpes or he was jerking off to Web MD 'cause I just walked in on him
She was having a seizure right in front of you, and you asked, "So there's no more donuts?"
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So many lesbians keep hitting on me. I'm about to give up and just go home with the manliest one.
You just kept saying "they don't make cigarettes for squirrels. Yet."
You better wipe the dick of your lips before you come smoke this blunt.
and i do believe that will be the last time you send me a photograph of our mother in her underwear.
The nun costume is coming back hard and it still has glitter and the smell of Vegas on it.
Best. Text. Ever.
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I rammed pretzels and Jell-O shots down the throats of those I loved.
He offered me handsanitizer after a hand job, you can't tell me he's not perfect!
I mean, I bought pot and shampoo before I ran out. I think I can adult.
We are all done wearing pants today
So her ex boyfriend came up a lot in conversation while I was fucking her. Is that weird?
Who the fuck has a conversation during sex?
I just realized now that I slept with him while he was still wearing the maid costume... I've reached a new level of sexual freakness.
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