I'm upset that MJ died and all but waking up to his face on my HDTV in the middle of the night while half-asleep is pretty much the scariest fucking thing ever.
Whatever, she only has 293 friends, she cant afford to be defriending me..
Turns out I wasn't throwing up blood, I just threw up so hard it ripped my tonsils. Thank you Jameson.
She said to bring taco sauce. Hoping that's a euphemism.
There are apples in the microwave and a cup of twigs in the fridge. I think she's hiding in the pantry, I can hear her giggling. Leaving her to it.
Also I legit had a girl at my bar crying tonight saying to her friend "why did he have to take his top off ?"
I'm high and I have a consensual booty call on the way and just thought that it was a good time to let you know that I think that you are a stellar person.
Kings cup with teenagers tonight
Done deal
That dude with the beard walked up to me, turned my water into wine with everclear and kool-aid, and walked away. Pretty sure drunk Jesus is back.
all I know is this drummer better stop eye fucking me while he plays cowbell. it is way too early for that.
Note to self don't stop having sex during an earthquake! I call it a 6.1 orgasm!
I think all three of us just need to suck it up and go to lunch with him to keep our bar tab down
Crust to egg proportion prescribes to a pedantic form of quiche. It's like saying breakfast pizza isn't pizza at all.
Dear Andy-the problem is not that I slept with your girlfriend, it's that you didn't know she's a lesbian.
I had perfectly good intentions but my penis had other ideas and now I need a place to crash what do you say
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