I can no longer count the number of girls I've banged on my fingers and toes. It's like being born again.
i feel like even strangers are annoyed with me because of how drunk i was last night
we got 12 live crabs and then we got really stoned and know we're playing with the crabs. thats nom watermellon nom. now i'm plaing with a crap whos such a gentleman
How did I end up in the pool?!
Welcome to ASU
I ran into his family and they made me a ham sandwich and I asked if they wanted to come streaking. I felt they deserved the invite.
Also. After puking outside of the bar last night, some guy (who saw me puking) said I looked like Jennifer Lawrence, called me J Law, got my number and is now texting me. Who knew puking and rallying would do me any good
You were sitting in a chair and you said "I just feel like a little fishy, floooooating through the ocean, so pretty"
Last night was a whirlwind of vodka - induced emotion
You should come over tomorrow. Wine, pizza and my vagina. Those are all great things.
In between explaining the best feminist lenses for the myth of Persephone and doing vodka shots with my friends she dragged me into my car and gave me an Earth shattering blow job. Honestly I think I'm in love.
If you gave someone an std. would you say a muffin basket, a candy gram or an edible arrangement is a better choice to send them?
OMG I DIDNT READ THAT TEXT CAREFULLY CAUSE I'M ON THE DEVILS LETTUCE & I THREATENED TO PUNCH A CHILD OMG I'M SO SORRY
My ex boyfriend just amazon primed me a vibrator...guess I seemed stressed?
My hands smell like vagina and ham.
I watched my wife kick balloons while wearing thigh highs. It's not a sentence you get to use too often
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