She's JV to your varsity
i permit you to call me
I have to tell you about my conversation with the cloud dragon!
bitch so ugly she owes me an erection
any plan I had today of being a productive member of society, I am officially throwing out the window.
He said to me this morning that we should finish these beers, go and get plan B then on the way back, go to the pub to celebrate the death of our baby. I love Manchester.
Sorry I fell asleep again. I'm in the shower now. Door is unlocked. Condoms are in my desk. I want your game face on for when I get out.
I'd bet your vomit would be flammable at this point. Can I try to light it?
We wouldn't be friends if you didn't.
I woke up this morning with a wristband and I thought I went to the hospital last night I actually went ice skating instead
Ya. I wonder how much being a beard for a major league baseball player pays. This could be a lucrative arrangement...
I woke up with a russian doll attached to my necklace and a post-it note with "keep babushka safe" written on it. Fuck vodka
I should have made a run for it. Seriously who calls the cops on themselves and goes to jail. ...on a Monday.
Yeah sorry about that. I got pulled into the Russian student society's end of term party. There was too much vodka and eurodance to come help you pack.
My ex is having a baby and I'm over here planning my dogs birthday celebration...
When is the party?
He updated Facebook... "Got a new phone today." WHAT ABOUT THE FUCKING KID YOU HAD?!
Randomize
