I accidentally asked my mom for a blowjob because 'mom' and 'molly' are next to each other in my address book.
just brushed my teeth with a bottle of jack. ew. not all it's hyped up to be.
I just want you to know IcyHot in the ear is weird. Don't ask.
you got me arrested i just think that goes without question you owe me a blowjob
Two girls just making out in the elevator. Didn't stop when the doors opened. Part of me didnt mind, but part did. Bc I wanted to get on the elevator without it getting awkward. Am I gay?
That awkward moment when the dude you blew on camera in college friend requests you on Facebook.
Who is this?!????
That awkward moment when you think you're texting a friend the above statement, but instead you text a stranger.
I feel like the universe head butted me in my balls. That hungover.
.... My lady balls. Cuz I'm a lady.
In the store looking for it now. They put the theatre/script section right next to the gay erotica section. Rude. Practical, but rude.
You grabbed my arm, said "I need you" in a very concerned voice and dragged me to the other room where you were blasting Evolution of Beyoncé.
So, I never imagined myself puking on the side of the road at 10:30 this morning to Lynyrd Skynyrd but here I am.
Did he hurt you? I have a crowbar I can beat his sorry ass with
I wonder how drunk we can get before Christmas Caroling turns into trespassing.
You can't just drop that I might be walking into a foursome and leave it at that
No I don't. You owe me sex and cinnamon rolls.
He was so drunk last night. He woke up out of a dead sleep at 330am, walked over to the dresser, opened his middle drawer and proceeded to pee. When I woke up and asked him Wtf he was doing, he told me it was fake pee and blamed it on the cat...we don't have a cat
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