Gonna be late. Someone jumped in front of our train.
i had just passed the point of no return when my mom opened my door. I hid my dick and took the porn off the computer in time but i still had to explain my day at school to her WHILE i was jizzing in my pants.
drinking steel reserve before noon and watching the price is right... 211... bet i pass out before then.
There was a pool of blood on my desk and we still don't know who it belongs to. missed a good party, man.
ATMs should seriously have built in breathalysers, I would save so much money.
we didnt even have break up sex...
you had it for us with someone else...
You are the only person I know who got away with wearing a turtleneck while getting laid. ONLY person.
Dude, please wake him up, there are pills all over the floor and hes the only one who knows which ones to take simultaneously.
She wouldn't put out on the first date. I think my boner put a hole in my mattress.
Robert just walked in drunk, grabbed my Jameson from me, told me to let him do his thing, and spilled it all over the coffee table. Then he told me to grab a funnel because he was going home.
I'm going to give blood tomorrow. Prepare yourself for pictures and a cynical poem about the heart and its level of tangibility.
I spent the day drinking wine and meditating. I'm zen as fuck.
You don't marry someone you don't want to fuck senseless this is 2014 dammit
I wish there was a tumbleweed emoji. Because that would describe my vagina.
I felt like a slutty ass cruella devil driving your old car, And I got in a fight with your wipers
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