I know right? mind you this is the same woman who told me when I was 12 that oral sex just meant talking dirty
There's a girl here with sideburns. I gave her your number, you can thank me later.
yeah. you were just sitting there watching transformers, caressing your toaster.
Im doing kagels to the beat of Christmas music... "Jingle Bells" is hard. Try it.
i had to get the starbucks manager to open the bathroom door for me...you passed out on the floor, the things i do for you
I fell asleep with all the lights and heat on in the apartment with windows open, Earth Hour is lost on people like me.
just had a very awkward conversation with the concierge at the hotel, they threw your underwear out
I KNEW IT. I HAD A FEELING. THIS IS GODS CURSE. BREAK UP WITH A SEX GOD. GET ONE OF HIS PEASANTS.
I live vicariously through you. No one mistakes me for a hooker anymore. I look like a stay at home mom of three. On bad days of four.
True love: he brought me a margarita while I was n the shower. He's a keeper.
We smoked a blunt in a stall where a drag queen was fucking a bartender in the ass. So theres gonna be a second date :)
Yeah I'm just gonna shower and drink a gallon of coffee and drunkenly write my research paper. It'll be fine
I just set my acrylic nail on fire while trying to light my blunt
I'VE LOST MY DIGNITY, MY PRIDE, AND EVEN MY BOOTY CALL. HAPPY THANKSGIVING.
you ripped my door off of the hinges, kicked it in half and then proceeded to throw it down the stairs because i wouldn't make you a cheese burger
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