and while your girlfriend wears your relationship pants, i'll be wearing my ecstasy pants
Does Vicodin go better with white or red wine?
I can't figure out how to get this beer bong in my carry on without airport security questioning me as it goes through the x-ray.
thing about being the result of a teen pregnancy is that all my baby pictures are of my mom and dad holding me around their stoned college friends.
We lost you in the mall, but to no surprise we found you waiting in line to sit on santas lap. You said you wanted to ask him for a pound of weed and a subway giftcard for xmas.
Eating a TV dinner and watching Goosebumps on Netflix, the sad, sad title of my autobiography.
Pre-chapter meeting quote: "Why is there a bun literally taped to the shelf? That doesn't even make sense when you're drunk, who does that?"
Running my fingers through my hair was like that scene in Patch Adams where the old lady got to swim in a pool of pasta. I love Molly.
well. can officially check "get caught having sex on the front porch by the neighbors" off the bucket list.
I hope you get stoned and think that you're a seal in shark infested waters
I'm in the line at Chipotle thinking: "What combo will best prepare my body for the open bar I'm going to subject it to tonight?"
A stripper choked me last night. Then I choked her. Now we're going on a date this Saturday.
I know. I know. He'll be weekday dick.
You took off your shirt and pulled out a bottle of cherry uv and a slushee. That's when I knew you came to party
Quick question. If you break the bathroom sink off the wall from fucking on it, can you claim it on your homeowner's insurance as a 'natural disaster'?
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