I must have had a great time last night.. I woke up with coconut oil all over my glasses
why do you have a stuffed bear wearing a thong and a seatbelt in your backseat??
Is it weird that I want your dad to go down on me?
Just witnessed a circumcision at clinical. i suddenly feel a sense of reconciliation over every guy who's done me dirty...
My dermatologist just asked me, "what happened here?" referring to the bruising on my nipples. I told her I walked into a door. Thanks for that awkward moment.
I think being a buddhist has made me a better drunk
I woke up to him peeling the skin on my stomach from my sunburn. If he wasn't so good in bed I'd be a little freaked out.
I dont care how high you are "yes" is not the correct response to "what do you want from Taco Bell" Mom.
i love when the champions come out to play im bringin the shock collar this weekend
It might have taken me 30 minutes but I finally finished the toast I made. That hungover.
Why is it that when I sustain a serious injury people are more concerned with my level of inebriation than my personal safety?
My goal for the weekend: procure a blowjob using only stern glances, hand gestures, and crudely-drawn stick figures.
Came home from this girls horse at 6am to find a guy lighting off roman candles in front of my door. Best walk of fame I've ever had.
So when did "Are you okay?" translate into "Don't tell me you got fucked by another rando after another rager"?
I knew how blacked out you were when you started doing that thing where you dance around and call yourself the Black Swan.
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