My secretary told me she wishes she can have an affair with someone in the office (she's separated from her cheating husband)...Umm...Okaaay
he called me "his little blueberry cunt muffin"...how would that make you feel?
Facebook lets you pick usernames now. You'd better log on and get yours before homewreckingwhore is taken...
i forgot how awkward it is to meet new people sober
quitting drinking is the number 5 new years resolution but number 4 is enjoying life more which one do you think im going to pick
You basically tried to anal probe my passed out friend with a lamp
He graduated with honors. I've seen him kneeboard on dry ground and run a razor scooter into a wall...anyone can graduate with honors
I decided I'm going to give him a celebratory fuck for his accomplishments. Knocked on his door, handed him some condoms and said "I'll be over tonight with sex and booze"
I want to be you.
Well u missed Autumn's newly 21 yrs old sister flashing her tits and standing on the bar last night.
Aaaaand now he just flexed his muscles at me and said "I'm a fucking eagle!"
Why does my therapist keep calling when I jerk off?
also, sleeping with your chipotle guy sounds like a good idea until you want chipotle on your day off and have to look somewhat presentable to acquire said chipotle.
the fact that I always have. bottle of tequila in my purse is not helping my current sitch
Thanks for being my best friend so I can use you as an alibi to my family while I'm out getting some dick in my face.
We need a signal or code word for "I basically shaved my whole body and we should touch each other tonight".
Randomize
