I put my bosses number in my phone as "Do not call," I shouldve known my drunk curiosity would overcome any desire I had to keep my job.
again?
I wish my new phone didn't autocorrect so well. People will never experience the magic of my drunk texts because they think I'm making a coherent statement.
Highlight of my weekend: having my card suspended due to "suspicious charges" and standing in line at the gas station yelling at customer service on the phone that I really did go to 4 different strip clubs in one night
All I remember was after sex she kept trying to take pictures of my dick "for memories"
How was the party last night?
There's a mountain bike in the middle of our apartment. No one will claim it.
iphones do not disturb setting is the biggest cock block to my 3am booty calls
Last night you texted me "tqiirkykbg doe freedom always"... why?
there is absolutely nothing wrong with two grown men staying up all night blowing lines drinking white wine and playing call of duty. don't judge me
My dad lost his bandaid somewhere in the turkey. It was a mixture of thanksgiving and an Easter egg hunt
In my dream I had to eat so many peanut butter and Nutella sandwiches
Waking up with cheese all over my clothes and my vibrator in my pants is a sign we drank way too much tequila last night
I just showed this kid my nipples to work my shift tmw
She woke up with her hand super glued to the fridge....how the hell am I Supposed to get her off??
I wanted to make my beer stronger so I poured vodka in it. Why god....why
am drunk, naked, and blow drying cat. need adult supervision
Randomize
