Apparently, I woke up in the middle of the night, got up out of bed, dropped trou in the corner, squatted, and pissed on the carpet. When Eric heard, he thought it was the dog and started yelling, and I responded by saying "No no, its okay. It's me."
Next guy we share better have a little more dignity than that
IDK but this explains my bloody dashboard.
I was fine until "Under Pressure" came on the radio. It's like God wanted me to shit my pants on the drive home.
I mean, I thought you would respect me for turning your life around for the better. It seems just yesterday that I found you in a ditch with a cock in your mouth.
I swear the crows are laughing at me.
You my friend are stoned into submission
Dude I am allergic to the candy dicks from that sex shop in Vegas. Come take me to hospital right now.
I think I might get 604 tattooed on my ass tonight...
Possibly having a threesome with my ex boyfriend and his current girlfriend was great closure on that subject
I'm going back to his house to watch wreck it Ralp.
Hey, Monsters Inc. got me laid. Disney man, who knew it leads to sex.
I just almost puked & then I panicked and forced it back down because I thought I would be a waste of the apple turnover I ate.. I'm that hungover
Omg I can't even...
Your vagina felt like having sex with thanksgiving mashed potatoes. The best kind of mashed potatoes
i definitely signed you up to receive text message notifications from a jukebox last night. Not even sorry.
In the morning when you read your texts, just fyi you showed up at my house drunk off your ass and shoe less and demanded I go to the bar. You need Jesus.
Every time I start to trust vodka, it does this to me.
Randomize
