You are the one person I know will appreciate this- and I'm aware that its nearly 5 am- but I have 3 words... G spot orgasm. BE JEALOUS
There are traffic cones in the living room. One of them is yours.
I swear to god he was trying to crawl under my door last night muttering "I'm Alex Mac! I'm Alex Mac!"
Why are you covered in frosting?
Friend's birthday situation turned into enlightened cake orgy.
The coffee from our coffee maker just hasn't tasted normal since we made Mac n cheese in it that one time....
He wants to know how I lost my bra in his pants....id like to know too
Like what kind of adult things? Whats more adult than drinking at 2pm on a monday?
Just slept with a female bodybuilder. not cute. but it was like fucking hulk hogan with a twat. Beastly.
im so disgusted with myself. funny thing was i lasted 15 seconds. she benches 325
Katie told the cabby "when the boat docks I'm getting off with you"
She just lifted up her dress, screamed "This is gonna be a good one!" And pissed on the pole...
That's too much drama for once a month dick... that's in-house dick drama only
Do you think you can chase a shot with chicken soup?
He goes from zero to fucking up in 2.4 drinks. Like the sportscar of bad decision making.
FYI bail money is still in my drawer. I know you have no car but you need to know this for tomorrow.
You started singing Baby Shark, screamed you have no idea how it goes, then somehow turned the beat into Bohemian Rhapsody
Randomize
