The bartender told me the best pick-up line was to look deep into her eyes and tell her your gonna flick her vagina
Every night before bed, when I used to say prayers, now I just think to myself 'freshman sluts. Soon'
Just witnessed a walk of shame by a guy in a half gorilla suit. It's going to be a good day.
Currently in a meeting. i am playing the not throw up game. god i hope i dont lose.
Guess who got arrested for public drunkiness, and called jimmy johns for the entire station last night instead of someone to bail me out? The cop that arrested me drove me home. Win.
she asked me which thongs i though her boyfriend would like best. fuck the friend zone
He also gave me two gold stars for sex. On my nipples.
All those movies are bullshit, there is no way to run down a line of parked cars, they`re too far apart. my faces hurts so much right now
Woke up to the UT campus police fishing my boxers out of the university pool, guess it was a good night.
Sex aside I am really scared about Syria...
You know what? The sex was so bad that I don't even care that I gave him strep.
I forgot to lock the bathroom door. He walked in, saw me on the toliet, nodded, and walked back out.
Oh man I knew I took that Molly too soon, talkin to some Scottish people lol but don’t like rollin in pizza restaurants.
Is there any chance of you maybe wanting a bouncy house at your wedding. Like maybe a .0001 chance. If so I would totally chip in for that.
im mourning your vaginas lack of frictional upkeep
Randomize
