dude, the summer is killing me. i just woke up cause my balls were stuck to HER leg!
Sex on a trampoline was so worth getting a mosquito bite on my penis
The second he texted me with "*dry humps you!*" I knew any relationship we might have had was over.
just crush a couple of percocets into it. tell him sam adams came out with a new beer. flavored with sleep.
I gave you a 45 minute blowjob. You were inside me for 3 minutes. I'm going to need you to get your shit together.
any interest in drunk sledding later? if not, any interest in driving me to the hospital later?
she let a homeless guy feel her up so she could go for a ride in his shopping cart
Just come back with most of your limbs...and your dick. Please and thank you
YOU TOLD ME THAT YOU CAUGHT A TAXI HOME. SARAH SAID THE POLICE DROPPED YOU OFF.
On duty sugar tits. A Marine never abandons his post to take nudi pics.
I just accidentally showed an old lady a pic of my penis while showing her cat pics. So how's your day going?
My plan for the weekend: 1) Get shit faced in Vegas. 2) Not die
quickly learned not to sleep with your roommate and work colleague in the same week
I'm so sorry to hear about your grandmother. Also how many grams are in an eighth?
I'm currently in a U-Haul truck right now. Going to a party. I hate myself.
just to let you know, that was probably the funniest text i've ever received.
I suppose that kind of helps fill the void where my self respect used to be.
Randomize
