I feel odd... a had sex with a chick and she keept her socks on...
I made myself breakfast and everything and then whoever's house it actually was came downstairs very upset.
I woke up with a black eye and dim memories of announcing that i had super powers. I shoved my pockets full of canned tuna and tried to jump off the balcony. And then my boyfriend called the cops.
so you're not coming in to work today?
If you're going to watch porn, can you atleast be considerate and watch it on my old laptop and not the new one?
Just watched my manager erase "we've been 2 days wo an accident" and change it to "0" these ppl are too high.
No subtext here. People are naked.
She sent me a pic of shot glasses on fire if that tells you anything
theres still like 7 beers in the gutter from the roof party we had last night. i dont know how we got up there. but we need to get those beers down.
he's the only person i know who can drink himself into and out of alcohol poisoning.
At least I cut out the pieces of your hair where I braided gum into it last night. Thank me later.
Took me 10 minutes of oral to finally get him hard for like 30 seconds of sex until he came and passed out. Def not worth the ROI.
Funny, 'cause his story is it went great. He faked passing out so he wouldn't have to do anything in return.
Just to be clear, the only reason you're allowed to scream "COCKTAIL SERVANT" at bartenders is because you have nice tits
I'm going to be fiscally responsible and buy a handle.
it's taken me 3 hours to eat this pudding cup. I think I am melting.
You were upset that she was flirting with your boyfriend so I thought the best game plan was to show her my boobs and get her to make out with me instead. I am the greatest friend on absinthe.
Randomize
