Of course he got arrested. He was wearing a toga. Even Tom Hanks couldn't act sober in a toga.
stripped for him at 3am on my childhood playground and used the swing set as a pole.
Correct me if I'm wrong but the photo album titles "cause I've been drankin" and "baby jessica" should not belong to the same person.
all 3 of us brought blondes home last night. all 3 are passed out. we're gonna switch rooms and see how long until one of them notices.
She carries a brick in her purse. I wouldn't get in a fight with her
So I passed out with my boxers on in the hotel jacuzzi at 5am.. The manager who kicked me out was pretty cute so I left my name and number for her at the front desk. I'm giving it a 50/50 she calls.
No more vodka shots for you. Last night you begged a man on your knees to sell you his beard. He had no beard.
The weed is temporarily burning the grammar section of my brain library.
Come over. I've made 2 dinners and so many cocktails. I'm a 50's housewife with no family.
DOGS JUST TOTALLY ATE THE FEATHERS OFF MY NIPPLE CLAMPS!!!
I'm not THAT invested in seeing you to an orgasm
As I was about to fuck him, he requested a moment of silence for Leonard Nimoy.
You spilt a drink on my couch, then used my dog to mop it up... you called her a mop dog, repeatedly
I'm smoking and watching the Muppets Treasure Island. Where are you?
Something about that statement reminds me just how much of a role model you are, sis.
Unless it involves a lot of whiskey, an ACDC concert, and a guy named Juan from the Philippines, then I'm not interested.
Randomize
