Suite mates just came in and said that we have to go to Africa. They're already packed. Didn't know you could get that high.
She looked like a pterodactyl.....but dude i love dinosaurs
"Whiskey Cheerios" was a terribly great idea.
I just spent the last ten minutes making a timeline of my sex life. 2010 and 2011 I am calling "I can't believe Im still clean" years.
Seriously just confirmed via our bathroom scale that a keg weighs 170lbs
So I got hit in the face with a frying pan. So def wont be at work for first break if I'm there at all
That's like the cock version of a mortal kombat fatality.
There's a cop, a pizza guy and a half naked girl outside along with a dog that I don't know. It feels like I walked into a Judd Apatow movie.
Strip clubs it is bday boy. One condition. I am in full custody of your ID. I plan on being in no condition to coordinate rescue operations and we need to keep casualties to a minimum. You cannot be trusted.
Alright goddamnit. Can I bring my pirate hat?
I insist.
So doing the math I dated almost 2 of me in penises. Like, if I you layed them out lengthwise it would be 2 times my height.
And the sky opened up and god said.... "WET T-SHIRT CONTEST!!!!"
Last night apparently I said "I need a break" and then I just passed the fuck out for 3 hours
I've entered the world of uncircumcised penises. It's disgusting.
Currently at a bar observing the mating patterns of drunken people in their 60s. This is hilariously terrifying. Hope he has Viagra.
I don't know about this Sanders guy after all. I'm voting for MYSTERY BABYLON, WHORE OF ALL THE EARTH
Hillary?
Randomize
