she wants me to text her or call her all the time when we are apart...this is not high school...
i just did the math...im a product of my mothers birthday sex
There are too many people on this bus for it to be even REMOTELY okay that I'm wearing a puke covered sweater
just go where the car takes you. fingers crossed its here with breakfast.
You know you need to hit the gym when you're not strong enough to get the cork outta the wine bottle. And you know you're a drunk when that's the only motivation to do exercises
He ate me out in the forest at that park we used to hit my bong in highschool again, somehow this isn't what I pictured being 25 would be like
Remember when there was a happier time when people could all hang out together with out the awkwardness of the fact that she stole $1000 and cheated on a brother with another brother !?!??
At the ER, will you come pick me up... Had an allergic reaction, wanted to see if I could eat a peanut without dying... Do you how bad this is evolutionary, I would have died back in the days of survival of the fitest by now
Please, by all means, tell me what can't be helped by two stiff drinks & a blowjob?
The nun costume is coming back hard and it still has glitter and the smell of Vegas on it.
Best. Text. Ever.
still not dressed at 5:00, jacking off watching men's figure skating and hoping my weird roommate doesn't walk in. anybody who says idk how to have fun is wrong
no strings attached, like you could fuck him and then throw him off a building right after
In an unrelated matter, im gonna eat you out so much later.
You poured 151 in your eye, ran face first into a tree, fell down, then threw a lawn chair at the dog...all before passing out in the hallway and pissing yourself. There is no way to redeem yourself.
Everytime after he came, he'd laugh uncontrolably for ten mintutes. He was sober..
Randomize
