I need to shower the guilt off of my thighs.
I just accidently deleted 60 gigs of porn from my external hard drive. Thats over 300 pornos! I think im gonna cry.
Im surprised that you are even able to text me right now.
i may or may not be dressed up as my farmville farmer. gonna harvest some ladiesss tonight!!!
I bruised his dick. I bruised his dick WITH MY MOUTH!! I've never felt more accomplished.
just looked in the mirror, I fell asleep with a face mask on. At least drunk me cares that much about the condition of my skin
I didn't realize I was holding it, until I was like, "whose baby is this?"
Ed's in which sucks about a thousand cocks... But thats 1800 less than working with Alex so it's gonna be a good day
By the way, do you realize that you asked me how much you could get for your eggs last night. And once you learned the price said that you had plenty to share.
Woke up in the ER with a nurse holding my tongue together inside of my mouth and a shattered jaw, the last thing I remember is opening the 151, care to fill me in?
Next time, please cut me off before I'm at the point of pooping in the bathtub again
Just woke up with an entire pack of Oreos in my cheetah onesie. I've been waiting for this moment forever.
I told you being able to play expert on guitar hero would get us laid one day
It's the 3rd day of the year and I've already sucked two dicks. New year same ole me.
He texts me "just to say hi" and then tells me how hard he is and sends me a dick pic. And I'm like, dude, I'm ordering a burrito right now
They don't really make a "hey I'm fucking your ex wife" card do they ?
Randomize
