Never drink rum straight from the bottle, even if people say it'll make you a pirate. It won't: it'll make you a bumbling shitfaced idiot who just drank rum straight from the bottle.
i just woke up to seventeen texts from you saying all the things you would have done for a french fry.
How in the hell did I take a shot of whiskey to the eyeball last night?
Of course, you get to fuck all night while I'm stuck in the girls bathroom sucking a limp dick for coke
Nothing like a 3am firealarm to kick a booty call out...
I was fucking trucked by the swat team last night on State Street after UK won. But I got a picture with the guy afterwards so I forgive him
omg just made cake vodka jello shots, sooooo excited
dear god these taste like death. death and sprinkles
We bonded over the fact that we each, separately, got arrested on the same weekend.
Is it really road head if took place on kayaks in the river?
From now on, you must never doubt my ability to go from drunken rambling lovesick girl to Stepford wife within the course of a few hours.
There's "red head", "preppy white girl" and "the two Asians I dated and now everyone thinks I like Asians"
Your dating history is like the united colors of Benetton
Um, when I went down on you it got stuck there. Still had gum in my mouth. Didn't exactly have use of my hands to assist
When he identified himself as captain clitoris i knew my night was fucked.
Apparently the girl he banged in the bathroom yelled at him for hitting on me all night. But whatever, he was holding her hand for most of it
This pandemic, it’s making everyone horny. I’ve got dick stashed all over town
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