Just found a shot glass and plan b in my backpack...
Im guessing the shot glass is for plan c?
I can't wait until next week, when I find out what drunk me added to the Netflix queue.
This is one of those situations that make me think to myself "what life decision did I make to get here"
I fell alseep but then some dude picked me up. Comforter and all stuck a blunt in my mouth and carried me back downstairs because "I wasn't done partying"
I have never made a good decision in that bathroom...
...And then you kept screaming "cock mouth" in her face every time she tried to talk.
As she was leaving she said "You have an awesome penis, I hope to use it again soon" I need that on a business card to hand out at the bar
Ps you missed quite a show. I was for some reason whipping my hair back and forth and head butted the tip jar. It shattered and now I have a circular bruise on my forehead. All the bartenders hit the floor to get all the quarters.
I just watched Matt try to put on a pillowcase thinking it was a t-shirt.
I would have been the big man on campus...just flop my wang out on the table and how them what they were gonna deal with if they dropped the soap
I would have publicly shamed him but I'm pretty sure his tramp stamp did that on its own...
I'm 99% sure I just flashed my dad with my vagina. So that's the new low now.
The awkward moment your booty call shows up to the Mexican restaurant and realizes you just picked burritos over pussy
When he was leaving this morning he said I'll text you later on and I replied with if you don't that's cool too.
aloe plants are like gummy bears with an exoskeleton, but with healing powers instead of deliciousness.
are you on the drugs???
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