Told my mom a bit ago she'd meet you tonight
Um...??
She's excited
Never name a vibrator after ashton kutcher
Yes but life is bad with poopy sheets
Gave a homeless guy 3 bucks earlier. Just saw him at the bar. He bought one beer and left. Happy to see my 3 dollars was well spent
I just canoed to the bar. I am a skilled drunk paddler.
Do you ever wonder what the men who we shamelessly objectify would think if they saw our texts in regard to them?
Playing nyquil pong with a cat again
It was his birthday and he drunkenly offered me Portillo's and diamonds in exchange for a snap chat of my boobs. Even sober it seemed like a good idea at 3 in the morning.
You suck at answering, but you did manage to avoid a fun conversation about hemorrhoids. So maybe you're great at answering.
How does she have a hairless cat and a husband it's not fair. Both are hard to come by
I DMed the cop that arrested me to come unlock my keys out if my car today
the fact that I always have. bottle of tequila in my purse is not helping my current sitch
I'm still amazed at how you managed to get Doritos in my damn front pocket without me noticing. I got crumbs everywhere.
I've been getting a lot of emails from patron lately for being a great customer. Is that awesome, or should I start thinking about seeking help?
the coup got in the way of sex but inauguration day came thru we did it joe
Randomize
