before smithy murders me i need you to know 3 things. 1) i got with smithy's little sister last night. 2) i will always love you like my own brother. 3) smithy's little sis digs anal.
yeah. then i thought it would be a good idea to show them how hairy my armpits were, so they'd be distracted from the bush in my pants. EPIC FAIL.
I fell off the front porch last night. Actually.. I dove. I dove off the front porch.
sorry for covering your dog in whipped cream. his bark made it sound like he wanted it.
Being this Hungover on Easter has brought my closer to Jesus... I swear he had to feel shitty like this after coming back from the dead
It may be that your sole purpose in life is simply to serve as a warning to others..
There are bruises on the top of my foot. The pole won.
The strip club called, they have your shoe.
the two person party stopped when i realized that he tried to throw a hammer at my head.
The port-a-pottys are knocked over so I have nowhere to sleep.
what kind of roommate is she really? she wouldn't even hold my hair back.
Bad news. I baked you a cake and one of my fingernails is missing.
Xanax and an ambien. And wine. I'm just waiting for mouth to mouth from some hot EMT. Sort of like the slutty girls version of sleeping beauty
HE TALKS ABOUT HIS DICK IN THIRD PERSON ABORT MISSION ABORT FUCKING MISSION
I was thinking about the biological process causing me to puke while I was puking. THAT'S how much I'd been studying.
Randomize
