I just told the 2nd grade class leprechauns are the children of midgets.
Changed it back. Somehow I didn't think my profile pic should be me shirtless on ecstasy, ya know?
You mean the girl who was passed out face down on the bathroom floor until 10 AM? You're right, she was cute.
Apparently she was filling Miller Lite bottles with water because I refused to be seen drinking water in a bar
I wish we couldve been like jesus and the desiples tongith
you went over to those random dudes and told them you were an ordained minister and would like to bless their food. they laughed and agreed, then you said "now bow your heads in prayer" as soon as they did you grabbed a taco off their tray and bolted out the door.
if girls can go out in miniskirts and reveal their thongs, I should be able to wear a sheer dress with boyshorts with the word love bedazzled on my ass.
This is why you're my favorite.
You want to complain about your sex life to me? Right now mine consists of trying to masturbate lightly enough not to wake her up with bed shakes. Go. Fuck. Yourself.
you showed up at my door at 3am, handed me a bag of cold chicken nuggets and said "lead me to the non-irish Siobhans," do YOU think you were tripping?
The appetizer at the dinner I went to tonight was Klonopin and a Bloody Mary.
He's like a hurricane
a drunk, sexist, hurricane
At the bar in my pajamas again
Ummm that is the 3rd time this week and it is Wednesday
The reason why I poison my organs is so that you guys can't sell them.
So, I'm roughly 90% sure that the guy next to me in the xray waiting room is watching porn on his phone right now
I came home and drank a bottle of wine in the bathtub. I have AMAZING coping skills!!
Randomize
