If its vodka, everyone is attractive. Tequila, everyone is dead sexy, single and fuckable.
Whats the opposite of morning wood? Whatever its called, everyone saw it when it fell out.
i am not listening to taylor swift on a pink ipod. totally not happening.
she's like bobby knight all she does is scream and point
Apparently I whispered "Jesus was here" and bailed out of the moving taxi.
I've gotta stop getting kicked out of bars for fighting with people over the accuracy of the Harry Potter movie.
just mapquested my walk of shame from saturday..bye bye freshman 15
We stuck the straw in the bourbon as a joke, you saw it as a challenge.
Explain it like you would if you were talking to a 5 yo
Wait no, like you would to a stoned high school freshman.
I'm training him to sit when I whistle the tune from the hunger games. I'm going to be the coolest parent ever.
you were caressing the jar of pickles then you looked down and whispered to them "I want you inside me"
Why is it I can't go buy redbull and tylenol pm from a store without getting questions about my health choices?
Well I mean I HAD done a pretty good job of not pooping myself through the years
My cat is watching me play with my new vibrator
I'd give anything to be driving a pirate ship wearing nothing but a coconut bra and a grass skirt eating a pizza and watching dolphins jump in the waves. Dreams ya gotta have dreams
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