I'm drunk
Is that why you're texting me
Yes
He was so confused why there was a string hanging out of my vagina.
My new sobriety test is "how many times do I have to attempt to put toothpaste on my brush"... It takes a while.
I've decided the third guy that I slept with is who I lost my virginity to...
She tried to escape and she fell and hit the door. She's gunna freak when she wakes up with only half a tooth.
They high fived mid Eiffel Tower, then we all proceeded to talk about how our friendship is much stronger now. I'd say a successful first threesome.
Oh my God. He stopped counting at 22.. His senior year. I feel the STDs infecting my taint as we speak.
High water is the most godliest tasting water in the world.
I want everyone to love me, and THEN I will choose who gets to eat me out all the time.
I feel like the way dolphins mate would be the approach that a guy would have to use in order for you to sleep with them
I just looked down and realized I was walking around in briefs and a ninja turtle shirt; and for a second, I thought I was 8 again... Weird...
Smoked a blunt with my dad then introduced him to cinnabon delights. Today was a good day.
My grandma just invited me to gate crash a funeral for the free food. Priorities.
His mom wants to come see the dorm.
Hide the whip.
I just put together something from IKEA so that’s mandatory oral for a week.
Randomize
